Letters to the Void (and by extention, Myself)

"I know it's easier to walk away than to look it in the eye..."

Nothing makes me feel the weight of inferiority like dealing with the so-called real world. That world of needing more money than I have. The world of financing and insurance, credit reports and down payments. I need a vehicle. No matter how I slice and dice the situation, I need an automobile. I've thought about a bike. A bike is a great way to keep expenses low, avoid the crunch of monthly payments, and even lose a crap load of weight. Not to mention gas prices...
I can get to work on a bike, I can go to the store on a bike and I can visit friends on a bike. If I lived in Corpus, San Antonio or a larger city, an automobile would be indispensable. But I live in Kingsville, a small enough city that any location is but 30 mins. away on a bike. Thing is, this city is deeply a "car" culture. Not many walk or bike anywhere, and the ones that do...well, we won't go there. The only setback to a bike is the stigma inside me of relying on one; the inconvenience of one and the cost (emotionally and psychologically speaking)of not having an automobile. The costs are small, still, and run deep. I'm a creature of comfort and convenience, an American in the worst sense of the word. And can you imagine trying to get a date without an automobile? I can only laugh at myself at the prospect.

And yet, trends are indeed in my favor: the avoidance of debt, the "green" aspect of alternative forms of transportation, and the health aspect give me a little hope that a bike can be good for me; that I have the courage to break away from the masses and engage in the life of the future. Back to basics, as it were. The pros of a bike far out weigh the cons of a car, at least on paper. And yet, there's the stigma. The automobile is uniquely indicative of freedom and grownup-ness. To be an American is to have and revel in that freedom. To be a modern American is to have a car, payments and responsibilities and all. Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking I can live outside that mode of living. And to have a bike is to spend ever more nights and days at home, away from friends and "a life."

I guess the point is I want this process to be easy and without risk and fear. And it simply cannot be that way. To buy a car (or more accurately finance a car) is inherently frightening and difficult. And then there is this...

I have a dream to finish school and get my degree. My culture tells me this is the only way to get ahead--and I believe them. The double whammy of paying for school and paying for a car is oppressive. They're mutually exclusive and damn near impossible to do without incurring way more debt that I've already incurred. I can hardly express the fear and stress this causes me and the hopelessness I feel about it all. But I guess life is about rising above those feelings and pushing forward anyway. I feel so lost, alone and helpless in these matters; so inferior. I look at many around me and wonder how on earth they can pull it off. Most do this AND raise a family! That boggles my mind. I can't fathom it. I decided a long time ago I simply won't have a family. Not that I want to avoid the responsibility of dealing with it, but that I refuse to give them the responsibility of dealing with me. That the life, happiness and contentment of another human being(s) depends on and is based on me is quite possibly the most frightening thought I have ever encountered in my life. The thought causes me to shudder and to shudder deeply.

Perhaps I'm simply not cut out for modern life. And to think modernity, with its technologically driven center, is supposed to make life easier. I've come to think there is no such thing as "easy" and "life" in the same sentence. Or rather, that life itself is the mere fact of oppression.

I feel a little better now...